What a brutal journey for the heart

When the tide changes and the poles reverse

When my fortyish hands are caring for you

You are the dependent and you are the innocent

No past to regret, no future to fear

You have only the contented now

And you trust us

And sometimes things do not feel okay

But you trust us to be your memory

We wanted only the best for you

But sometimes no one knows what the best truly is

Sometimes we have to form a plan

And hope it’s the best one

So that you will always be comfortable

And well cared for, when we cannot be there

You have grown so very old

The last one standing in your family

We are growing old along with you

We are realizing our limitations

We will always question if we did enough

How could we ever begin to repay all that you gave?

The myriads of dishes washed, meals cooked, diapers changed

The cultural music, the dance lessons, the travels to faraway places

The perfectly chosen Christmas gifts and that last baby doll when I was too old

Because you knew it was the very last doll….and you wanted to savor it

The warm, tidy household where we wanted for nothing

The loving hands that brushed hair from our fevered faces

Smeared Vix on our chest and rubbed our back until we fell asleep

The cheerful whistle in the laundry room

Mouthwatering aromas wafting from the kitchen

that ended in nutritious, home-cooked meals

The brave front and semblance of sanity in tumultuous, alcoholic storms

The appearance at my plays, track meets, band concerts and a college graduation

For the ninth time…with far less energy…among parents half your age

The four years I had to give you were a blessing…buying time, keeping you at home

Saying my personal goodbye while you were healthy and happy in your nest

Flying away again, I knew I was giving up the end time…the final years

Of being near you, of being enfolded in your fuzzy blue sweater mommy hugs

(is there anything so warm and wonderful as a mommy hug?)

Frail though they are these days

On the phone, your voice is still healthy and happy in your nest

So I don’t talk about what’s coming…you won’t remember anyway

How you only have less than a month, now, until we transition you

Whether you want to or not

All those years ago

I watched you walking away from my preschool

Down the long sidewalk to your car

You had stayed and watched me for three days

Sitting on a toddler chair in the corner

Until my teacher told you to let go

I cried and pounded at the door, terrified

I did not see that you were crying too

Safely out of sight

You had a meltdown in your car

Hoping I would be okay

And that I would make friends

And eventually grow to like it there

In that unfamiliar place

Where my journey of growing up began

And now we must be the ones to walk away

And hope that you will be okay

And that you will make friends

And eventually grow to like it there

In that unfamiliar place

Where your journey will end

Now it is our turn to trust and let go