NYTimes Connections
- Steely_D - Jun 10, 2024 - 2:25pm
USA! USA! USA!
- haresfur - Jun 10, 2024 - 2:06pm
Words that should be put on the substitutes bench for a year
- ScottFromWyoming - Jun 10, 2024 - 12:42pm
NY Times Strands
- n4ku - Jun 10, 2024 - 12:21pm
Marijuana: Baked News.
- R_P - Jun 10, 2024 - 12:01pm
Climate Change
- R_P - Jun 10, 2024 - 11:45am
Streaming Marantz/HEOS
- rgio - Jun 10, 2024 - 11:43am
Joe Biden
- R_P - Jun 10, 2024 - 10:28am
Israel
- R_P - Jun 10, 2024 - 10:06am
Europe
- thisbody - Jun 10, 2024 - 9:29am
Wordle - daily game
- geoff_morphini - Jun 10, 2024 - 9:23am
June 2024 Photo Theme - Eyes
- fractalv - Jun 10, 2024 - 9:01am
Today in History
- DaveInSaoMiguel - Jun 10, 2024 - 8:38am
What Are You Going To Do Today?
- GeneP59 - Jun 10, 2024 - 8:36am
Radio Paradise Comments
- GeneP59 - Jun 10, 2024 - 8:25am
Trump
- rgio - Jun 10, 2024 - 8:08am
Is there any DOG news out there?
- thisbody - Jun 9, 2024 - 12:38pm
Name My Band
- thisbody - Jun 9, 2024 - 11:57am
Quick! I need a chicken...
- thisbody - Jun 9, 2024 - 10:38am
Breaking News
- thisbody - Jun 9, 2024 - 10:01am
Song of the Day
- Proclivities - Jun 9, 2024 - 8:34am
Mixtape Culture Club
- Steely_D - Jun 8, 2024 - 9:22pm
China
- R_P - Jun 8, 2024 - 7:42pm
Economix
- Bill_J - Jun 8, 2024 - 5:25pm
Gotta Get Your Drink On
- Antigone - Jun 8, 2024 - 2:42pm
Snakes & streaming images. WTH is going on?
- rasta_tiger - Jun 8, 2024 - 2:16pm
Strips, cartoons, illustrations
- R_P - Jun 8, 2024 - 11:28am
Great guitar faces
- thisbody - Jun 8, 2024 - 10:39am
TEXAS
- maryte - Jun 8, 2024 - 9:21am
NASA & other news from space
- Beaker - Jun 8, 2024 - 8:23am
Live Music
- oldviolin - Jun 7, 2024 - 10:03pm
• • • The Once-a-Day • • •
- oldviolin - Jun 7, 2024 - 9:54pm
Republican Party
- kcar - Jun 7, 2024 - 8:11pm
favorite love songs
- Manbird - Jun 7, 2024 - 8:06pm
Lyrics that are stuck in your head today...
- Manbird - Jun 7, 2024 - 8:04pm
What the hell OV?
- oldviolin - Jun 7, 2024 - 7:42pm
Things You Thought Today
- Antigone - Jun 7, 2024 - 4:11pm
Can you afford to retire?
- JrzyTmata - Jun 7, 2024 - 2:05pm
Old timers, crosswords &
- ScottFromWyoming - Jun 7, 2024 - 12:09pm
Military Matters
- R_P - Jun 7, 2024 - 11:31am
Bug Reports & Feature Requests
- Laptopdog - Jun 7, 2024 - 11:09am
Derplahoma!
- Red_Dragon - Jun 7, 2024 - 8:01am
Favorite Quotes
- black321 - Jun 7, 2024 - 7:45am
What makes you smile?
- Red_Dragon - Jun 7, 2024 - 6:32am
Artificial Intelligence
- johkir - Jun 6, 2024 - 3:57pm
Cryptic Posts - Leave Them Guessing
- oldviolin - Jun 6, 2024 - 12:35pm
What's with the Sitar? ...and Robert Plant
- thisbody - Jun 6, 2024 - 11:16am
songs that ROCK!
- thisbody - Jun 6, 2024 - 10:39am
Democratic Party
- kurtster - Jun 5, 2024 - 9:23pm
Canada
- Beaker - Jun 5, 2024 - 1:58pm
the Todd Rundgren topic
- miamizsun - Jun 5, 2024 - 5:00am
Photos you have taken of your walks or hikes.
- MrDill - Jun 5, 2024 - 2:26am
What Makes You Laugh?
- Steely_D - Jun 5, 2024 - 12:44am
Automotive Lust
- KurtfromLaQuinta - Jun 4, 2024 - 9:28pm
Art Show
- Manbird - Jun 4, 2024 - 8:20pm
Bad Poetry
- Isabeau - Jun 4, 2024 - 12:11pm
Classic TV Curiosities
- Isabeau - Jun 4, 2024 - 12:09pm
What's that smell?
- Isabeau - Jun 4, 2024 - 11:50am
Music Videos
- black321 - Jun 4, 2024 - 10:11am
Baseball, anyone?
- ScottFromWyoming - Jun 4, 2024 - 8:28am
Your First Albums
- Manbird - Jun 3, 2024 - 5:42pm
King Crimson
- Steely_D - Jun 3, 2024 - 2:25pm
2024 Elections!
- R_P - Jun 3, 2024 - 10:19am
Your favourite conspiracy theory?
- Beaker - Jun 3, 2024 - 8:00am
Beer
- Red_Dragon - Jun 3, 2024 - 5:20am
Ukraine
- R_P - Jun 2, 2024 - 3:07pm
RP on Twitter
- R_P - Jun 1, 2024 - 2:47pm
Football, soccer, futbol, calcio...
- thisbody - Jun 1, 2024 - 10:20am
What Did You See Today?
- Isabeau - May 31, 2024 - 1:15pm
ONE WORD
- thisbody - May 31, 2024 - 10:39am
May 2024 Photo Theme - Peaceful
- Alchemist - May 30, 2024 - 6:58pm
Human Curated?
- Ipse_Dixit - May 30, 2024 - 2:55pm
Evolution!
- R_P - May 30, 2024 - 12:22pm
Sonos
- konz - May 30, 2024 - 10:26am
Fascism In America
- R_P - May 29, 2024 - 11:01pm
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Index »
Radio Paradise/General »
General Discussion »
~ Have a good joke you can post? ~
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Page: Previous 1, 2, 3 ... 8, 9, 10 ... 311, 312, 313 Next |
DD gypsyman
![DD gypsyman Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/49815-1385370266.png)
Location: Joined Nov 27, 2006 Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Dec 16, 2013 - 10:38am |
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black321 wrote: I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.' A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No thanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'
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NoEnzLefttoSplit
![NoEnzLefttoSplit Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/34479-1679060475.jpg)
Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Dec 16, 2013 - 10:35am |
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haresfur wrote:
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DaveInSaoMiguel
![DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/17680-1685886716.jpg)
Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Dec 16, 2013 - 9:26am |
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72 virgins An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores.?" Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty." The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity.?" And Allah replied, "Who said they were women.?"
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black321
![black321 Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/1460-1471878064.jpg)
Location: An earth without maps Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Dec 16, 2013 - 9:18am |
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I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.' A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No thanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'
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Coaxial
![Coaxial Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/2700-1677762359.png)
Location: Comfortably numb in So Texas Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Dec 9, 2013 - 8:02am |
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lily34 wrote: thanks for fixing that for me. i am not sure what happened on my end...
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lily34
![lily34 Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/8250-1396445311.jpg)
Location: GTFO Gender: ![Female](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_female.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Dec 9, 2013 - 6:49am |
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Coaxial wrote: Good one.
thanks for fixing that for me. i am not sure what happened on my end...
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Coaxial
![Coaxial Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/2700-1677762359.png)
Location: Comfortably numb in So Texas Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Dec 9, 2013 - 6:37am |
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lily34 wrote:my boss just forwarded this to me: With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. Some of us have had brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but because it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
Good one.
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DD gypsyman
![DD gypsyman Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/49815-1385370266.png)
Location: Joined Nov 27, 2006 Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Dec 9, 2013 - 6:36am |
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don't read past line 630....
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Antigone
![Antigone Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/630-1710891488.jpg)
Location: A house, in a Virginian Valley Gender: ![Female](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_female.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Nov 24, 2013 - 2:09pm |
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A joke that Radney Foster told last night:
A little boy went up to his mother and said, "When I grow up I want to be a musician."
His mother replied, "You can't have it both ways, dear."
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DaveInSaoMiguel
![DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/17680-1685886716.jpg)
Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Nov 22, 2013 - 8:17am |
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The Teacher was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time.?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Mam, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys." "Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas.?" "Well, Mam, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents." Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas.?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas for two weeks.
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helenofjoy
![helenofjoy Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/64096-1554052845.jpg)
Location: Lincoln, Nebraska Gender: ![Female](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_female.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Nov 19, 2013 - 2:46pm |
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DaveInVA wrote:Two Irish Nuns Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross." So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?
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DaveInSaoMiguel
![DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/17680-1685886716.jpg)
Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Nov 19, 2013 - 12:26pm |
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Two Irish Nuns Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross." So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?
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black321
![black321 Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/1460-1471878064.jpg)
Location: An earth without maps Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Nov 14, 2013 - 1:52pm |
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A Bruce Springsteen joke from his show the other night: An old man goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, I can’t get an erection.” Doc says, “Have your tried the pills I gave you?” Old man says, “I’ve been popping them like candy, and nothing.” Doc scratches his head and says, “Well, sorry I don’t think there is a medical answer to your problem. However, I might have a solution. Go down to the corner shop and see the gypsy woman.” Old man goes down to the gypsy and tells her his story. Gypsy says, “I have something for you. When you are ready, sprinkle some of this dust on your Johnson and say: 1, 2, 3. If you do this you will get an erection. However, this will only work one time, so only do it when you are ready.” Old man says, “Great, great. But how do I get it to go down?” Gypsy says, “Oh that’s easy, just say: 1, 2, 3, 4.” Old man is excited. He gets home and tells his wife to get upstairs as he has something that will get him an erection. The wife gets in bed and old man says, “OK honey, are you ready? Here we go.” He takes out the dust and sprinkles it on, and says, “1, 2, 3.” Sure enough he gets an erection. Just as he’s getting ready to get into bed, his wife, who looks puzzled says, “I don’t get it? What’s the 1, 2, 3 for?"
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Atman
![Atman Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/79008.JPG)
Location: Sandpoint, ID Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Nov 14, 2013 - 1:26pm |
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One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00.”Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:1. You have tennis elbow.2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.3. It will be better in two weeks…….That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:1. Your tap water is too hard.2. Get a water softener.3. Your dog has ringworm.4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.5. Your daughter is using cocaine.6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.7. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.8. And if you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.
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haresfur
![haresfur Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/70908-1514844612.jpg)
Location: The Golden Triangle Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Sep 24, 2013 - 6:31pm |
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Antigone wrote:A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking several joints, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing another joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' The koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?'
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Antigone
![Antigone Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/630-1710891488.jpg)
Location: A house, in a Virginian Valley Gender: ![Female](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_female.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Sep 24, 2013 - 5:53pm |
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A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking several joints, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing another joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' The koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?'
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haresfur
![haresfur Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/70908-1514844612.jpg)
Location: The Golden Triangle Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Aug 28, 2013 - 5:39pm |
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Manbird wrote: "Time to throw in the trowel and digeridoo some walkabout marmite Vegemite, ya bleedin drongo!"
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Manbird
![Manbird Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/25877-1407307273.jpg)
Location: La Villa Toscana Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Aug 28, 2013 - 3:54pm |
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aflanigan wrote:What did the bricklayer say when he realized he was going to lose the bricklaying contest?
"Time to throw in the trowel and digeridoo some walkabout marmite, ya bleedin drongo!"
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aflanigan
![aflanigan Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/35427-1378831249.jpg)
Location: At Sea Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Aug 28, 2013 - 1:49pm |
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What did the bricklayer say when he realized he was going to lose the bricklaying contest?
"Time to throw in the trowel."
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cc_rider
![cc_rider Avatar](https://img.radioparadise.com/avatars/41446-1383753621.jpg)
Location: Bastrop Gender: ![Male](graphics/icons/icon_minigender_male.gif) ![](graphics/clear.gif)
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Posted:
Aug 28, 2013 - 1:42pm |
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aflanigan wrote: Also the panties in the glovebox joke.
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