How often do you hold your tongue and not speak the truth of what you are thinking?
What do you love doing that you haven't done in a long time?
Does your creativity get shoved into the box of what you think will please others?
If so, you may be letting your fear of criticism rule your life. This is one of the key sources of struggle people face. It is easy to try to please everyone all the time.
We tend to moderate our words, our actions, and look over our shoulder to see who's watching. Actually pleasing everyone all the time is actually a losing battle!
When we're caught up with what we're supposed to do we tend to stifle our energy and enthusiasm for whatever project we're pursuing. When we trust our actions and choices, we see that everything gets easier and we're in the flow of the work. There is more consistent energy. Our energy is not bolstered when others applaud us and deflated when others have a negative reaction to what we've said or done.
This is contrary to how many of us were raised. We were supposed to listen to how things were to be done and do our best to copy that. There was a right and wrong way for every project to be completed. Rarely were our personality styles considered as to what method would work best for us to approach any situation.
Terry Cole-Whitaker wrote the book titled, What You Think Of Me Is None Of My Business. I remember when I first heard this title. Over the years it has come to mean more to me as I've realized the peace that can come from letting go of need for love and approval for everything I do.
Is this selfish to put our OWN approval above others' approval? This may have been the message of our childhood. When we have healthy self-love we are able to be comfortable with what we are doing and are able to accept that others may have their own way to complete a task as well. Our self-care is essential for us to be a fully engaged individual in any situation, whether it is a personal relationship or a business project.
HOW CAN YOU CHANGE YOUR HABIT OF PLEASING OTHERS?
It first takes the decision that you are going to live life for yourself. This isn't to say you are not being considerate of others. On the contrary, you will value and respect them more than ever.
Then make a conscious effort to speak the truth, no matter what. How often to we filter our words carefully to avoid offending anyone? This only makes connecting more difficult and awkward. It is really pretty obvious when a person is not being authentic. You are not doing anyone a favor by not being real.
This process will not happen in just a few leaps and bounds. Small steps are the most effective way to make any change. You have to be comfortable with what you are doing to have this be a smooth process.
Give yourself a moment before speaking to check how authentically you are about to respond. Speaking the truth does not mean that you have to fully disclose all of your thoughts. That isn't necessary. Healthy boundaries for your privacy are appropriate.
And, realize that some people in your life may not be comfortable with your honesty. They are probably not people who are adding positive energy to you anyway.
How would your life be different if you were living congruently with your ideas and values? How would your relationships be enriched by being all of who you are? How would your productivity be affected?
I now trust the message - be true to yourself and stop living to please other people. It's the only way we can be truly contented in our lives. Still, when I first heard it, I didn't integrate it into my life. I worried how others might respond to my choices, decisions and behaviors. I lived with the desire to have others approve of me. I struggled. Last month the message was brought back into my consciousness and it was time to pay attention! (Afterall, when we have a lesson presented to us, we can either pay attention or ignore it. If we ignore it, it gets bigger, louder and, often, more painful.)
My old pattern was to be very attentive to what others said about me. Am I good enough, smart enough, successful enough? Do they agree with me? Do they think less of me when I speak up? All this was motivated by things and people outside myself, making me and my responses unpredictable and dependent on my audience. I set myself up to fail in my relationships and my life; there is absolutely no way to satisfy every person. Somewhere, somebody will not like my actions or choices - even the people closest to me!
It's a losing situation to be constantly striving for approval based on other people's standards and expectations. I'm sure you've experienced this, too. We're not different in this. It does feel good to get acknowledgment and approval from another being. The problem comes when acknowledgment is the motivating force of your life.
What is more important for you and me in living happy and productive lives is to have the approval of ourselves! This is not the first time you've heard this message from me. As I continue to grow more into my own truth and let go of the need for outside approval, everything in my life changes. I promise this will be true for you, too.
I'm not suggesting living for yourself is the easiest choice. The opposite is probably more true. In the beginning, especially, it is one of the most difficult paths to walk. It is so contrary to how most of us were raised - to care more about what I think than what my neighbor thinks. (...or my boss, wife, husband,...) To be selfish in a healthy way, getting your needs met, is a way of thinking many people won't understand. Unless you are willing to pay attention to your truth and live your life accordingly, you will be playing to a fickle audience who can and will turn on you at a moments notice - as soon as you do or say something they don't like. It's a no-win situation!
Instead, you can choose self-love, self-care and living your truth. Then it really won't matter what other people think. You will trust your own actions and choices and know they are the right ones for you in your life. You will be living your life according to your own rules and standards. Yes, some people won't like it and will probably leave your life - they are the fickle ones. Others will honor you and the truth you live, understanding that putting yourself first is necessary if you're going to be available to them on a deeper level. As you put this into practice, you will believe more and more that what other people think about you is none of your business.
Here are some questions to answer first as you choose the path of your personal truth:
1. What are the things you are doing in your life right now because you think you're "supposed" to? How does it make you feel? What do you get from others to keep you doing those things?
2. How would your life be different if you did only things YOU wanted to?
3. How often do you hold your tongue and not speak your truth? Why?
4. What things do you love doing that you're not? Why aren't you?
5. What are the little things (and big things) you do, or don't do, to make somebody else happy? Which of those things are not "right" for you?
Look at your answers. Now, decide you are going to live your life for yourself beginning now. Start anywhere. Small steps move you forward on your path, too, and sometimes more consistently than leaps and bounds. Say "no" to things that really don't fit for you. Make a conscious effort to speak your truth, no matter what. (And speaking the truth does not mean full-disclosure.)
Your life will be different when you are living in alignment with who you are at your core and not for the benefit of the people around you. Make your choices without fear. Trust yourself and your inner wisdom. Even your unpopular choices will be forgotten by other people
in five years!
I want you to be living a reflection of your core truth; be fully aligned with who you are and not want to change a thing in your life. It is possible though not easy. Begin it now and see how your life changes.
From "Enlightenment Chapel"
