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JCF

Posted: Jan 30, 2012 - 8:51pm
Man quits his job as a salesman and joins the Police force. About 6 months later he meets an old friend and his buddy asks if he likes being a cop now instead of a salesman,to which the cop answeres,O hell ya! It's the only job where the customer is always wrong !!

Coaxial

Coaxial Avatar

Location: Comfortably numb in So Texas
Gender: Male

Posted: Jan 30, 2012 - 6:30pm

DaveInVA wrote:

The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure." Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Dat it is." There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

DaveInSaoMiguel

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Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male

Posted: Jan 30, 2012 - 3:45pm

muzik

Location: Montana
Gender: Female

Posted: Nov 4, 2011 - 7:52pm

katzendogs wrote:

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Government Agent: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

Montana Rancher: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

Government Agent: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

Montana Rancher: “That would be me.”

katzendogs

katzendogs Avatar

Location: Pasadena ,Texas
Gender: Male

Posted: Nov 4, 2011 - 7:32pm

lily34

lily34 Avatar

Location: GTFO
Gender: Female

Posted: Oct 31, 2011 - 8:51am
jcf wrote: Beautiful woman knocks on the old dudes door and when he answers she says,"you've won first prize from the bar down the street.He says,"what is it?" She says,"you can have super sex with me" He says,(gasp) "I'll take the soup".

black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 31, 2011 - 8:22am

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test..

'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go.
One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

JCF

Posted: Oct 26, 2011 - 9:28pm
Rodney Dangerfield once said,if it wasn't for pickpockets,he'd have no sex life at all !

JCF

Posted: Oct 26, 2011 - 9:19pm
Beautiful woman knocks on the old dudes door and when he answers she says,"you've won first prize from the bar down the street.He says,"what is it?" She says,"you can have super sex with me" He says,(gasp) "I'll take the soup".

DoctorSeagull

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Location: Seabreez Motel, Rm 11
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 26, 2011 - 10:46am
Q: What does one Blackberry® user say to another Blackberry® user? A: Nothing! Sincerely, Doctor (canyouhearmenow?) Seagull

jagdriver

jagdriver Avatar

Location: Now in Lobster Land
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 26, 2011 - 10:25am
mzpro5 wrote: Three Holy Men and a Bear . . . Good one!

ZM_Herb

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Location: 28? 33' N 81? 23' W
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 26, 2011 - 10:13am

kysmet wrote:

You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off. And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation safely?

Get off of the Merry-Go-Round.... {#Sunny}

K_Love

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Gender:

Posted: Oct 26, 2011 - 9:52am
hippiechick wrote: Wake up? Close! Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

hippiechick

hippiechick Avatar

Location: topsy turvy land
Gender: Female

Posted: Oct 26, 2011 - 9:26am

kysmet wrote:

Wake up?

K_Love

K_Love Avatar

Gender:

Posted: Oct 26, 2011 - 8:47am
You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off. And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation safely?

JCF

Posted: Oct 17, 2011 - 8:55pm

mzpro5 wrote:

Three Holy Men and a Bear . . .

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear.

And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.

So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next....

He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle!

I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!

But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.

We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.

And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.

He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, ...Circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

BWWWAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaagh! {#Lol}

JrzyTmata

JrzyTmata Avatar

Posted: Oct 17, 2011 - 7:02am

mzpro5

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Location: Budda'spet, Hungry
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 16, 2011 - 10:24am

jagdriver

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Location: Now in Lobster Land
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 13, 2011 - 9:09am

black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 13, 2011 - 8:53am

Altar Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four monthsâ vacation and five good leads ....'

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