A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 20 miles from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim.

The brunette goes 15 miles, gets tired, and drowns.

The redhead goes 17 miles, gets tired, and also drowns.

Then the blonde gets to 19 miles, gets tired, turns around and swims back.

 Steely_D wrote: 


I stopped speculating about what certain folks do BCD right after the Starr report about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Stained blue dresses? Cigars inserted in unusual spots? Phones going places they weren't meant to go? I know nuss-sing, Colonel Hogan! Nussing! 






Really: was there ever a face more completely summed-up by the word "sausage"?

 kcar wrote: 
You HOPE that's how it happened.

 SeriousLee wrote: 




Reminds me of a newspaper article I read about 16% of cell phones having fecal bacteria on them. Talking/texting/gaming on the throne is a favorite pastime apparently. 

The divorce lawyer is surprised when the very old couple comes in to begin the process.
"How old are you two? he asks
"I'm 86, she's 87," says the man.

"And you want a divorce? How long have you two been married?"
"Been about 65 years as of last fall," she says. "And, yes, we want a divorce as soon as you can get it done. We can't stand each other."

"OK, I can certainly take care of that. But I have to ask, why now after so many years?"
"We wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

George and Ethel met for the first time at the Seniors complex. It was love at first sight. They were both over 90 years old when they tied the knot. They had a 1-night honeymoon at the local motel. Ethel, well it had been a long time since she spent a night with a man and all her girl friends at the seniors complex couldn't wait to hear from her when she came back from her honeymoon. "So, Ethel, what happened", they asked the day after. "Well," Ethel said, "I was waiting in bed for him. Then he came near the bed. He took his shirt off and threw it on the chair. He took his pants off and threw them on the chair. He took his toupee off and threw it on the chair. He took his glasses off and put them on the table by the chair. He took his hearing aids off and put them on the table by the chair. He took his dentures off and put them on the table by the chair. He took one eye out and put it on the table by the chair. He took one arm off and put it on the chair. He took one hand off and put it on the chair. He took one leg off and put it on the  chair. He took one foot off and put it on the chair." "And? What happened after that?" "Well," Ethel said, "I spent the night on the chair since there was more of him there"

You must have heard of the nice Jewish boy who meets the girl he'd like to marry. He realises she has to run the gauntlet of his mother. He decides he will take two other girls home as well, to see if his mother will be able to choose the one he wants to marry.

He gets home. The three girls sit down on the sofa opposite his mother. After two minutes, she says to her son, 'It's the one on the left."

He says, 'Mother, that's amazing. It's incredible. How could you guess? How could you work out she is the one I want to marry?'

His mother shrugs and says , 'Already I don't like her.'

 rmgman wrote: 

 This sounds implausible. Most hunters are smart enough to distinguish the footprints trains leave behind from those left behind by animals.

3 (add nationality you want to poke fun of here) hunters are hiking through the woods.
They stop suddenly when the first one points to the ground and exclaims:
"Look, rabbit tracks!'
The second one says:
"They ain't rabbit tracks, they're deer tracks!"
The third one then says:
"What's the matter with you two?! Those are beer tracks!"
Then they all got hit by a train. 

I was in the public restroom 
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: 
"Hi, how are you?" 
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!" 
Stall: "So what are you up to?" 
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." 
Stall: "Can I come over?" 
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!" 
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

 Steely_D wrote: 
A+

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly"

A man got on a bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls. A blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

a horse goes into a saloon and up to the bar, bartender asks, 'why the long face?'

 DaveInVA wrote: 
Dave,Dave,Dave.They will listen,you just have to be nice when you're talking.