The last time Veev had a friend, he kept it so secret that only he knew about it. But somehow the cops figured it out, and that's when Andy Dick took out a restraining order on him.

Why must I be like that? Bow wow wow yippee-yo yippee-yay.

 VV wrote:

Dude, it was a Polish sausage, and there were 6 of them on the grill. Just pointing and saying 'dibs' means nothing.  Gene ate "your" pretzel too, and you still suck up to him.

SFW was once my best friend.
Then one day he ate my dog.

Now not so much.

Steeler tells people he's an agricultural consultant, but really he's an amateur manure afficionado.

Maryte once dyed a man in Reno just to watch him get shot.

Veev still calls his parole officer for permission to take a dump. Which is kind of sweet, except it's been twenty-five years now and that was never a condition of his parole.

winter would like to set the record straight that “Yes” he does… in fact… have a pot to piss in.

oldviolin will not only fight for his right to party, but for yours, too. except he thinks the line is "right to park tea", and he thinks it's by the Beast Tea Boys, and excuse him he has to visit the powder room AGAIN.

GeneP59's baloney had a first name, but his little brother ate it, ending the only real friendship he's ever had.

fractalv's other hobby is sneaking into homes the night before Thanksgiving to take candid photos of sleeping cookbooks.

Steeler likes to say "grugga big long drogue plaid spackle" and pretend it means something.

Veev tried to sell a new fragrance called "Manly Man Muscle Man Stank". it was mostly sandalwood with notes of vegan leather, hippo semen, and his mom's shoes.

Buddy doesn't like to brag, but he doesn't have much cause, so it's fine.

guys, here is Lazy8's secret recipe for Yum Yum Chicken!

add 1 cup of flour. stir with butter and lemonade to taste. if you have parsley, add 1 tsp salt; otherwise add 2 tsp parsley. dredge chicken in the Snake River. cook over low flame until it is 9:30 (or 10 on a weekend). serve over shaved rice and ginger beets.

 winter wrote:
I'm insulted in how weak this insult is. After all these years I believe I deserve better, dude.

You could sell buddy a piece of the Golden Gate Bridge, but not twice. He only buys in odd numbers.

One night Veev called me out of the blue. It was three AM, so my first thought was, "must need bail money again, or at least a ride home from Señor Swillinger's."

But I had him all wrong, and I'm man enough to admit it. Turns out he'd been trying to read a map again, and he forgot which color was "the stuff you pee on" and which was "the stuff where pee goes".

If islander had any dignity and self-respect, he'd be at least as charming as that three-legged dog that hangs out at the town dump begging for cat turds.

 islander wrote:
Yup. Quaaludes were bad news.